The primary and most long-lasting relationship you’ll have in life is with yourself. But how do you relate to you? In the depths of your internal monologue, how do you talk to yourself? Do you treat yourself with the same courtesy, care, and support you offer to friends and loved ones?

For many people, the relationship they have with themself is toxic, characterized by the presence of a brutish inner critic. This commentator in the mind speaks in ways you’d probably never speak to another human being. Its words smack of violence and may be tinged with bitterness, anger, cruelty, superiority, or despair. Worst of all, you may have come to believe these words. In this case, you’ve almost certainly adopted self-aversion as your default attitude toward yourself.

However, there’s no use in going to battle with the inner critic, and resistance can lead to more suffering. Instead, consider planting seeds of self-kindness in the following ways:

1. Thank your inner critic

It probably seems counter-intuitive to offer appreciation to a voice that speaks to you with such savagery. But here’s the thing I want you to consider: The inner critic is trying to help you.

In most cases, this critical part is desperately trying to keep you safe and ensure your needs (frequently those for love and connection) are met. It’s acting to protect a vulnerable part of your psyche by shaming, blaming, bullying, and so forth. These tactics are employed to motivate you to act in accord with an ultimately beneficial agenda. The inner critic may want you to lose weight, not yell at your partner, be punctual, clean your home, avoid risks, or perform other tasks that keep you safe and connected. It’s truly doing its best to protect these interests.

However, it’s important to acknowledge these tactics are largely ineffective. In fact, they can demotivate you entirely from taking any of the actions demanded. For example, cleaning your home may truly be what’s best for your well-being and an area you need to work on. But the barrage of insults hurled at you by the internal critic is more likely to have you ducking for cover than washing the dishes.

The reason the inner critic is so deficient in its capacity to inspire you is because it was formed when you were still very young. According to Freud, the superego, or the aspect of the psyche associated with all rules and standards for good behaviour, emerges around age five. Indeed, the inner critic is akin to a child who attempts to control their environment by yelling, complaining, and criticizing.

So the inner critic lacks the ability to successfully ensure your needs are met, but if you wish to loosen the grip it has on you, the first step is to honour the righteous efforts it’s making to try and protect you. Only then will you be able to negotiate with it to turn over the burden it oversees to wiser, more mature parts of yourself. Once this is accomplished, the critic will be free to become your biggest cheerleader, motivator, and source of support.

2. Reflect on your strengths

Acknowledging your strengths is a powerful way to develop self-kindness. These include all the positive qualities, attributes, skills, and characteristics you possess. They can be both inherent traits (such as kindness, empathy, creativity, and resilience) and learned skills (such as communication, problem-solving, and leadership).

Strengths are individual and varied, and they represent the unique combination of qualities that make you who you are. If you embrace them, you’ll be able to enhance your sense of self-worth, and overall well-being, contributing to a more positive and loving attitude toward yourself.

Recognizing your assets reinforces them and can lead to an increase in self-confidence. In turn, this confidence can help you approach challenges with a positive mindset, allowing you to understand you have the capacity to overcome them.

While it’s also important to acknowledge areas where growth is needed, recognizing your strengths helps you appreciate the value you bring to the world. In fact, recognizing your positive traits can motivate you to further develop these qualities.

There are a number of practices and exercises that can help you reflect on your strengths. Here are a few you may want to try:

• Inventory. Make a list of skills you developed over the years, both personally, and professionally. These can pertain to communication, problem-solving, leadership, creativity, and more.
• Assessment Tools. You can use tools like the CliftonStrengths assessment or VIA Survey of Character Strengths. These resources provide personalized evaluations of your strengths, helping you identify, understand, and appreciate them.
• Mind Map. Create a mind map that has your name in the centre and branches with different aspects of your life such as career, relationships, hobbies, and so on. Write down your strengths in each area. This visual representation can help you assess your positive traits in various contexts.
• Journal. Keep a strengths journal where you write about situations in which you felt successful, capable, and proud. Reflect on the skills and qualities you used in these circumstances. Regularly review your journal to foster further awareness of your positive qualities.
• Feedback. Ask friends, family members, or colleagues for feedback about your strengths. Sometimes, others see positive qualities in us that we might overlook. An outside perspective can provide valuable insights into your strengths. You might also conduct a conversation with a mentor, coach, or therapist who can ask you probing questions.

When you focus on your strengths, you cultivate a positive self-image, which can help you counterbalance self-doubt and self-criticism, thereby promoting self-acceptance. Significantly, making time to acknowledge your positive traits allows you to appreciate yourself for who you are. This self-appreciation is a fundamental aspect of self-kindness.

3. Acknowledge your accomplishments

Another way to access the power of being kind to yourself involves taking time to identify, celebrate, and savour your successes. All too often, we forget to acknowledge our progress. Instead of pausing to bask in our accomplishments, we get swept up in taking the next step. And yet, our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual growth don’t happen automatically. These things require effort and perseverance, and our forward strides, no matter how small, are well worth reflecting on and rewarding.

Acknowledging accomplishments allows you to recognize achievements and validate your worth. It acts as a testament to your skills and talents, reinforcing your self-esteem.

Savouring successes helps you stand tall in the face of self-doubt and serves as a reminder of your capabilities and the obstacles you’re able to overcome. This acknowledgment can be a powerful motivator, propelling you toward new goals with a sense of trust and self-assurance.

Furthermore, acknowledging accomplishments becomes a powerful tool in counteracting our innate negativity bias. This psychological phenomenon involves more easily noticing and remembering negative experiences compared to positive ones. This bias has evolutionary roots, as being attuned to potential threats and dangers in the environment was crucial for survival. However, in the context of self-kindness, the negativity bias can present a challenge.

By consciously recognizing and appreciating achievements, you can intentionally shift your focus from negative self-perceptions to positive ones. This deliberate recognition helps in reprogramming the brain’s natural tendency to dwell on negativity. Regularly acknowledging accomplishments will provide a buffer against the impact of unfavourable experiences and self-criticism.

Here are some ways you can celebrate and savour your successes:

• Reflect. Spend time reviewing your achievements, both big and small. Consider personal, professional, and even daily accomplishments that bring you a sense of pride or fulfillment.
• Reward yourself. To acknowledge your accomplishments, consider treating yourself to something special. It could involve a small indulgence, a favourite meal, or a leisure activity you enjoy.
• Perform a ritual. Create a personal ceremony or event to mark your achievements. It could be as simple as lighting a candle or as elaborate as hosting a gathering with friends.
• Spread the news. Share your accomplishments with trusted friends, colleagues, and family members. Their positive reactions can help reinforce your sense of achievement.
• Display reminders. Create a visual representation of your accomplishments, such as a collage, a trophy shelf, or a digital portfolio. Seeing your achievements can boost your self-esteem.
• Journal. Write about your accomplishments. Describe how you felt, the skills you relied on, and the challenges you overcame. Revisit these entries when you want to reignite the positive feelings associated with the accomplishment.

Ultimately, acknowledging your accomplishments helps form a foundation for self-kindness, nurturing a supportive and caring relationship with yourself.

Want a simple way to make self-kindness a daily habit? Download your free SELF-KINDNESS CHEATSHEET for easy, actionable prompts you can use right now.

4. Be your own best friend

Embracing the concept of being your own best friend can help you cultivate self-kindness. If you consider how you treat those near and dear to you, you’ll likely find you give them a bounty of care, understanding, and unwavering support. To be your own friend, you must learn to apply these same principles to yourself.

One essential aspect of befriending yourself involves recognizing you need encouragement during times of both triumph and trial. Though being an ally to yourself entails celebrating your successes, it’s also essential to offer yourself encouragement when you face challenges. Understand that setbacks are a natural part of life and treat yourself with the empathy and consideration you would extend to anyone going through a tough time.

Additionally, practising self-compassion by embracing your imperfections is key. Friends accept us for who we are, flaws and all, so learn to receive your uniqueness, quirks, and shortcomings with open arms. Instead of dwelling on your limitations and character defects, approach your weaknesses with understanding. Remember, it’s these very imperfections that make you beautifully human.

Another hallmark of a strong friendship is emotional support. You can apply this to yourself by acknowledging your emotions with compassion and care. Allow yourself to feel and process your feelings without judgment, and seek healthy ways to cope with difficult feelings. Offer yourself comforting words and acts of kindness during moments of distress, just as you would for a friend.

Furthermore, setting boundaries is crucial in any healthy relationship, including the one you have with yourself. A true friend will respect your limits, and being your own ally involves recognizing your needs and asserting yourself. This means saying no when necessary, valuing your time, and prioritizing your well-being.

Finally, friends encourage self-care. Offer yourself the same goodwill you would a loved one by making sure you prioritize activities that bring you joy and meet your various needs. Nurturing your physical, mental, and emotional well-being is an essential aspect of being your own ally.

In sum, you can foster self-kindness by cultivating a friendly, caring relationship with yourself. This can significantly enhance your overall happiness and well-being.

5. Practise metta

The Pali term metta is often translated as loving-kindness. It’s a traditional Buddhist practice (but often used in various mindfulness traditions) that involves generating feelings of love and compassion, first for yourself and then progressively to others.

Metta meditation can be a powerful catalyst when it comes to cultivating self-kindness. As a deliberate act of self-love, it has the ability to transform the way you relate to yourself, allowing you to embrace your own being with tenderness and affection.

Typically, the practice involves repeating phrases to yourself such as:

May I/you/we be happy.
May I/you/we be healthy.
May I/you/we be safe.
May I/you/we live with ease.

These words help the mind and heart generate positive feelings that get directed inward and outward. In addition to the phrases, practitioners can generate the quality of metta by using various visualization techniques and offering themselves affectionate touch (such as by placing a hand over the heart).

Regular metta meditation allows you develop goodwill toward yourself by fostering a sense of acceptance, warmth, and care for all aspects of your being. It can lead to greater self-acceptance, reduce the potency of the inner critic, and increase feelings of self-worth. Since it promotes self-kindness, and improves your overall emotional well-being, metta can be a valuable tool in building a positive relationship with yourself. It can also enhance and improve the relationships you have with others.

Incorporating metta meditation into your daily routine will provide you with consistent moments of self-care. By setting aside time to generate feelings of love and kindness, you actively prioritize your own emotional well-being. This regular practice creates a habit of self-kindness, making it a natural and integral part of your mindset.

Concluding thoughts

Self-kindness is paramount for your well-being and mental health. It serves as a powerful antidote to anxiety and depression, fostering positive self-worth and resilience in the face of life’s challenges. Plus, by reducing stress and enhancing emotional stability, it allows you to navigate setbacks with grace.

Moreover, self-kindness can help you foster healthy relationships, as those who are kind to themselves tend to extend the same to others.

By cultivating self-kindness, not only will you enhance your own life, but you’ll also create a positive ripple effect, helping to create a more compassionate and understanding world.

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Want to take the next step in your self-kindness journey? Grab your free SELF-KINDNESS CHEATSHEET and explore simple ways to show up for yourself every day.

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